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ABOUT Budget bus travel in Wales, from Chepstow to Caernarfon. IS HE wearing nail polish? He is! Abergavenny's premier bearded quizmaster has sparkly maroon fingernails, which makes the pedantic beer-fuelled argument over whether April is the first month with 30 days far more interesting. Heaven only knows what the multinational ranks think of this. They've signed up for a three-day tour of Wales without really knowing why: it's another one for the tick list and it's cheap, so why not? Strangely, having trivia questions fired at them by a sometime cross-dresser in a darkened Valleys pub didn't feature too highly in the promotional material. It should perhaps be in big, bold letters, for it's this sort of thing that makes these ultra low-cost tours worth it. Such bargain bucket tours are an Australian staple in Europe. When wanting to cover as much ground as humanly possible while doing the whole OE, they make sense for those over for a while and largely strapped for cash. Three days for £89 ($207) represents a serious snip. But would anyone not living in a 12-person flat-share and drinking in Aussie theme pubs want to do it? It's clear from the outset that the emphasis is as much on the cheerful as the cheap. Any thoughts of a gentle loll through the Welsh countryside evaporate at stupid o'clock in the morning when Gary the driver hands out Post-It Notes for everyone to write their names on and embarks on a rather raucous British history lesson. The stand-up (or rather, sit-down) comedy routine is relentless, every snippet of information turned into a joke, It's Not Unusual blaring as the bus crosses the border and normal speech frequently eschewed in favour of a silly voice. On the one hand it's an added bonus; surely part of the young, fun experience that we all signed up for; on the other, it isn't half irritating at times. On the second morning it is most definitely the latter. The screeching and enforced fun does not relent for those who indulged a little too heavily after the quiz, and there's not a single person on the bus who got a proper night's sleep as compensation. It's on days like these that the whole backpacking experience reveals its true horrors. Cramped dorms are just about tolerable beyond the age of 22 but only if you've got nothing planned the next day. When you have to be up at the crack of dawn and then spend 20 minutes shivering outside the bathroom door while a Vietnamese exchange student really takes his time, any lightness and jollity are sucked from your being. Why get out and enjoy the scenery when you can stay seated and look at it out of the window? An audible groan goes up every time a short walk is mentioned, the lull of the bus vanquishing desires to get out and about and do things. By the end of the journey even the photograph-obsessed Vietnamese contingent struggle to muster the enthusiasm to hop out and get the odd snap. A lot of ground is covered over three days in a series of lightning-quick cursory examinations. Apart from the overnight stops, no more than a couple of hours are spent in any one place. On the plus side, that means a lot is packed in; it's a blitz of castles, historical sites, quaint towns, scenic spots and quirky shops. It's fabulous for those who want to say they've done Wales from Chepstow to Caernarfon. There's a new stop every hour or so but after a while it becomes apparent that many of these are due to mandatory driver breaks and toiletry needs. The consequence is that it becomes a bit like a sampling menu; dip in, get a quick taste, and get out. An invigorating walk in the Brecon Beacons is reduced to a short mill-around, wandering by a stream for a bit. Snowdonia is mainly driven through and Llangollen becomes a power march up a hill before racing down and quickly grabbing a sandwich. The cultural highlights get the same short shrift. Hay-on-Wye becomes a coffee pit-stop with a brief chance to wander round a bookshop, while Stratford-Upon-Avon comes in sonnet format rather than three-act masterpiece. Oh to exchange three or four of these samples for a good, hearty meal somewhere . . . Occasionally, however, the numbing superficiality of tick-list tourism has its compensations. These usually take the form of gorgeous little places that would never be visited under normal circumstances. The Llyn Clywedog Reservoir is a fabulous example of how man can give nature a helping hand, while the history lessons at Bedgellert and Builth Wells provide a grounding context for the whole breakneck jaunt. Not that anyone seems to remember any of the information, judging by the impromptu test Gary springs on the tedious motorway plod back to London. Tsk . . . these youngsters don't know they're born. BARGAIN BUS TOURS * Largely advertised in British backpacker magazines, there is a wide selection of companies operating similar bargain bus tours. These include Haggis Adventures (phone + 441315579393, http://www.haggisadventures.com), which does the three-day Welsh Dragon tour. Accommodation is not included, but costs £13 to £14 ($30 to $33) a night in the hostels visited. * www.Roadtrip.co.uk operates a three-day tour of Liverpool and the Lake District, leaving from London and costing £79 plus a £44 kitty to cover accommodation, food and fees. * Leaving from Edinburgh, a three-day Scottish Highlands tour including Loch Ness and the Culloden battlefield is available from MacBackpackers (www.macbackpackers.com). The £75 cost does not include accommodation. * Tracks Travel (www.tracks-travel.com) operates a two-day Cotswolds tour; £79. Source: The Sun-Herald, Sydney, Australia (September 30th 2007)
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